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| David Sedaris |
This morning I was out walking the 3.4-kilometre Linhouse Circuit, a pleasant woodland loop with a few gentle hills that seems to exist primarily as a meeting place for dogs and their owners. (Humans are merely there to hold the leads or call them back from chasing a rabbit or sniffing around the area.)
A woman approached with what I think was a Labrador. Before either of them got close enough to say hello, I noticed the dog had an astonishingly glossy coat. It looked as though it had its own dog groomer, if that's what they're called, and a sponsorship deal with a shampoo company.
As they passed, I said, "What a beautiful dog."
Without breaking stride, the woman lowered her head modestly and replied, "Thank you!"
Now, I know what she meant, but for a split second it sounded as though she was accepting the compliment on the dog's behalf. She could equally have said, "Yes, she is," or "Isn't she just?" or simply smiled. Instead, it was as if I'd admired a painting and the gallery curator had replied, "I know—I painted it."
Dog owners often seem to absorb some of the credit for their pets' appearance, as though they were personally involved in the design process. You never hear someone say, "What a magnificent oak tree," only for a passer-by to answer, "Thanks. I grew it."
It reminded me of something David Sedaris once observed about devoted pet owners. Ask someone, "Do you have any children?" and they'll sometimes reply, "Yes. Two dogs and a cat." Somewhere, the dogs are telling each other they have one human.
Some jokes he heard on his book-signing sessions:
A plane develops engine trouble and when the pilot announces that soon they will drop into the ocean, a female passenger takes the floor. "If I'm going to die, I want to die happy," she shouts. "Is anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A fellow stands up a few rows away and takes off his shirt. Then he tosses it to her, saying, "Here, iron this."
*
A woman goes to her gynaecologist who settles her in and begins his exam, saying, "You've got the biggest vagina I've ever seen in my life. You've got the biggest vagina I've ever seen in my life.
You don't have to say it twice," the woman scolds.
And her doctor says, "I didn't."
*
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